What the Lakota Can Teach Us About the Holiness of Grief
We live in a culture that is deeply uncomfortable with sorrow. When someone experiences a major loss, our instinct is often to offer a quick casserole, a few words of comfort, and then quietly back away to give them “space.” We treat grief like a contagious wound.
But recently, I was diving into some fascinating studies on indigenous bereavement, specifically Lakota grieving customs. Their approach to loss offers a beautiful, radically different blueprint for how we can show up for each other during life’s hardest transitions.
1. The Grieving as Holy (Most Wakan)
In the Lakota tradition, a person who is actively grieving is considered most wakan—meaning most holy or sacred.
There is a belief that when the lightning of a sudden loss strikes someone, they are stripped of their ego and defenses. They stand directly on the threshold between the physical world and the spirit world. Because they are so close to the mystery of life and death, their prayers are considered exceptionally powerful, and community members will actually ask the bereaved for blessings.
Instead of isolating the grieving person or treating them as someone who needs to be “fixed”—a counterproductive approach I talk about in the art of companioning the grieving—the community reveres them. They are seen as possessing a deep, raw natural wisdom.
2. “Filling the Hole in the Circle”
Modern research into the science of grief and brain coaching shows that deep loss physically alters our neural pathways, often leaving the bereaved feeling disoriented, exhausted, and profoundly isolated.
Lakota traditions intuitively counter this cognitive overwhelm through intense communal support. When a tribal member passes, it creates a literal “hole in the circle” of the community. The recovery process isn’t just about the immediate family healing in private; it’s about the whole community rallying through collective rituals, shared meals, and song to weave that circle back together. You don’t carry the weight alone because the weight belongs to everyone.
3. The Gift of a Year: Wanagi Wicagluha
We often expect people to “move on” after a few weeks or months. The Lakota traditionally practice Wanagi Wicagluha (the Keeping of the Spirit), a formal rite where a family keeps and honors the soul of the deceased for an entire year.
During this time, the family refrains from secular celebrations, and the community routinely visits, sits, and eats with them. At the end of the year, a formal ceremony releases the spirit. This honors the natural timeline of the human heart, giving the bereaved permission to openly exist in their grief for a full cycle of the seasons without judgment.
Bringing the Wisdom of Lakota Grieving Customs Home
At Going My Way, we believe that death care doesn’t end when the funeral does. We can all integrate a piece of this wisdom into our lives today:
- Stop rushing the timeline. Let yourself or your loved ones sit in the space of loss without an expiration date.
- Show up as a community. Don’t just check in once; commit to being part of the circle that fills the void.
- Revere the vulnerability. Recognize that deep sorrow isn’t weakness—it is a sacred testament to deep love.
📖 Further Reading: The Science & Psychology of Indigenous Grief
Want to explore the academic and clinical research behind these concepts? Here are a few valuable resources and published studies examining the benefits of traditional indigenous mourning practices:
- Psychology Today:Death and Bereavement Among the Lakota— An excellent breakdown of the psychological protection offered by the Nagi Gluhapi (Keeping of the Soul) ritual and the community framework.
- National Institutes of Health (NIH): Complicated Grief in Aboriginal Populations— This paper explores how modern, Western “clinical timelines” can disrupt cultural bereavement, highlighting the work of Dr. Maria Yellow Horse Brave Heart on Lakota grief expression.
- Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma: The Value of Lakota Traditional Healing for Youth Resiliency and Family Functioning— A study demonstrating the statistically significant, positive psychological effects that traditional communal ceremonies and cultural identity have on family emotional healing.
Join the Circle: Our Monthly Death Cafe
In the Lakota tradition, healing only begins when the community comes together to acknowledge the reality of loss. We believe that talking about death doesn’t make it happen—it makes us more present for our lives and more supportive of one another.
If you are looking for a safe, open-minded space to discuss mortality, grief, or the mystery of what comes next, we invite you to join our next gathering. There is no agenda, no objective, and no judgment—just coffee, tea, and honest conversation.
Visit our Death Cafe page to learn more and see our upcoming schedule.
